Close Encounter
Of The Worst Kind
Barry Condit should not have been the one to make first contact with an alien race. When the fate of the world is at stake, a misanthrope is not to be trusted. But history rarely does what it should.
It happened in a nature preserve that wasn’t far from Barry’s house, an old military base that had become overgrown. A wood-chip-covered path cut through the growth occasionally coming along concrete slabs the size of a parking lot that had square metal plates welded shut over holes that led…somewhere.
Odd, but peaceful. Walk deep enough into the growth and you forgot you were in the middle of the city. The sound of traffic was gone, no buildings to be seen and, if you hung around until dusk, no lights guiding your way. There was always rustling in the bushes, but nothing was ever seen- except one time a dirty pair of men’s underwear was waving in the breeze.
It was in a small clearing that Barry made first contact. A close encounter of the fifth kind, if you will. Barry froze, not so much at the alien which looked like a human, but at the small ship that had landed neatly among the trees.
The ship was flat, diamond-shaped with a leg protruding from each corner. The alien would have to lie flat since it wasn’t deep enough for him to sit. It was a color Barry would call green and appeared to be shimmering, like the reflection of a moon on a lake.
The alien approached Barry with a smile.
“Hello! I’m Toast from…well, you don’t know about my planet.”
“Huh?” Barry should not have been the one to make first contact.
“I don’t understand that language. Do you not speak English here?” Toast clasped his hands.
“Oh, no, I understand you perfectly. It’s just…Toast…isn’t really a name here. It’s like a food.”
“Apologies. My name is Glerpxerx Xon XerXerx but we were told to pick a name that would be familiar. I probably should have done more research.”
Glerpxerx Xon XerXerx should not have been the first one to make contact with humans.
“Toast is fine. I’m Barry.” He was unable to take his eyes off of the shimmering ship.
“You like her,” Toast walked towards the ship smiling proudly. “She’s one of the fastest in the known universe. Built her with my own hands.”
Toast lightly touched the side of his craft causing a small ladder to extend down.
“Would you like to look inside?”
“I don’t want to get abducted, but nice try. Why don’t you just stop being friendly and tell me what you want.”
“What is your problem, dude?” Toast squared up with Barry in the aggressive manner of humans.
“My problem is you just showing up and…”
“And what? I offered you a tour of my ship.”
“Like I’d trust you.!”
The two beings sat there, fists balled up, waiting.
“Fine, let me just…Okay, take me to your leader.” Toast attempted to deescalate the growing animosity between the two.
“That’s a little more complicated than it sounds. Like, my boss at work is a leader. The city has a mayor, the state has a governor…”
“Just take me to the leader of the world.”
“We don’t really have a world leader.”
Toast scrunched his face as he tried to figure out how to proceed.
“I’m sorry, if you don’t have a world leader who figures out how to use resources so everyone has their needs met.”
“Oh, that. Yeah, instead of one leader for the world we have a bunch of different countries. Every country has its own leader. And then people kill each other for resources.”
“I’m sorry, what? Our scans of this planet show that there are more than enough resources for everyone.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying, but nobody listens to me.”
Toast reached up and touched his ship, raising the ladder.
“So if I was coming with technology that could change how everyone on this planet exists with each other…”
“Oh, for sure, one country would get it and try to use it to dominate everyone else.”
“I should then find the best leader to entrust with my gifts. What about the leader of your tribe?”
“Oh god no, you definitely shouldn’t give it to that guy. He’s fucking nuts.”
“Is there anyone…”
“Nobody I would trust with it. Can I be honest?”
“Should I forget about this planet?”
“You could do better. You’re an advanced society, right? Why not just blow up the planet?”
“Do you think a species becomes advanced because of its ability to destroy?”
“Kinda how it works here.”
“I’m not blowing up the planet.” Toast lowered the ladder to his ship and prepared to leave.
“Hold up. Look, the planet, the terra firma, if you will, doesn’t need to be destroyed. It just needs a reset?”
“How so?”
“Like us, earthlings, we’re done here. We’re clearly not doing this existence thing right so, can you just get rid of us?”
“Like, murder all humans?”
“Don’t you have a disease that you could give to me, that’s super viral and would wipe out most of the planet?”
Toast sighed and the part of him that shouldn’t have been the one to make first contact took over. Reaching up into his craft, pulling out a small vial.
“This. It is only supposed to be used for defensive purposes. It’ll make you sick and kill you in three days. It’ll cause an epidemic as anyone you come in contact with will get sick as well.”
“Gimme.”
Toast handed it to him gently.
“Just take the cork off, inhale and try to get to as many people as you can before…”
“I know how an epidemic works, asshole.”
Toast climbed in; the ladder lifted. He smiled as the ship rose — glad Barry would be dead soon.
“What an asshole,” he mumbled.
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