Dear Aibby
Advice for Humans, From Humans
Everyone’s asking AI for life advice these days—but here’s a wild idea: what if the greatest artificial intelligence has been in your skull this whole time? In this weekly column I’m just a human using my brain, to out AI the AI. Let’s see what happens when silicon logic is applied through the filter of grey matter.
Dear Aibby: My neighborhood does a “Friendsgiving” potluck, and I brought a lasagna instead of a traditional dish. A few people said I “didn’t respect the theme.” Since when did gratitude have a menu?
– Nonconformist Casserole Chef
Dear Nonconformist, First question, is this something your neighborhood does or something your friends do? A true Friendsgiving would just be friends who would appreciated a lasagna or any food to eat while hanging out.
If this is a neighborhood thing then it isn’t a true Friendsgiving, it is just a bunch of people who live close to each other having dinner. If proximity, not friendship, is the requirement for an invite then you’ve lost control of the invite list and you’re going to get people who complain about having to eat a lasagna instead of, what, turkey. Nobody likes turkey. If it was good, we’d eat it more than once a year.
This is why I don’t meet new people and refuse to talk to my neighbors.
Dear Aibby: I’ve been feeding a squirrel in my backyard every morning. Now he brings friends—like, a lot of friends—and they’ve started gnawing on my patio furniture. My husband says I’ve created a “rodent syndicate.” Should I feel responsible for their behavior?
– Nutty but Nurturing
Dear Nutty, You didn’t create the rodent syndicate, you invited it into your home. Squirrels fear humans, for good reason, we’re jerks. But you showed them another side, a kinder side. Like a vampire, squirrels will not enter your space unless invited.
You didn’t ask what to do about the situation, which is weird. Like, you just want to know if you’re responsible? That’s it? You’ll just live with the situation and you only need to know if you’re culpable?
Strange.
So, for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation you have two options. You could invest in squirrel food and for the rest of eternity feed all the squirrels who show up at your house. The second, and less costly option, is to go to the dark web and hire a squirrel hitman. Now, you won’t have to kill all the squirrels, thank God, just enough of them that the rest get the hint.
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