Dear Aibby
Advice for Humans, from Humans
Everyone’s asking AI for life advice these days—but here’s a wild idea: what if the greatest artificial intelligence has been in your skull this whole time? In this weekly column I’m just a human using my brain, to out AI the AI. Let’s see what happens when silicon logic is applied through the filter of grey matter.
Dear Aibby: When trick-or-treaters come to my house, I give them the candy I personally don’t like—usually black licorice or those weird peanut butter taffies in orange wrappers. Then, when I take my own kids out, I only let them accept the “good” candy, like chocolate. A neighbor accused me of being unfair. Isn’t that just smart candy management?
– Sweet and Strategic
Dear Strategic, Unfair is something someone cries when they aren’t smart enough to game the system. This is a brilliant strategy, not only keeping unsatisfactory food out of your house but teaching your children to only go for and accept the best.
I’m going to do you one better and improve your strategy. When kids come to your door take several pieces of bad candy in your hand and place it gently at the bottom of their bag, grabbing a candy bar while you’re down there. Fun sized candy bars can be hidden in the palm of your hand and those kids will be none the wiser.
Halloween is already a Ponzi scheme, why not take it to the next level?
Dear Aibby: I love decorating for Halloween, so I turned my front yard into a realistic graveyard and hired actors to jump out at kids. A few parents complained their toddlers cried. But isn’t that the point of Halloween—to scare people?
– Ghoul With Good Intentions
Dear Ghoul, It is absolutely the point of Halloween to scare people. Have your neighbors not seen the Halloween movies? They’re scary as all get out. No word in the English language is more associated with ‘scary’ than Halloween.
Your neighbors are everything that is wrong with America. They want to raise their kids in a plastic bubble where nothing scary happens and everything is tailored for their experience.
Except that isn’t real life.
What are these kids going to do when they’re older and bodies rise up from graves and attack the living? Cry about it? Good luck with that.
My suggestion is to up the ante. Do more. Why use realistic graves when you can use actual graves. Dig up your front yard in early October and place real dead bodies in your yard, make sure the whole neighborhood sees it and feels uneasy about the situation. They’ll click their tongues in disapproval but you’ll be creating a Halloween miracle!
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