Sgt. Baker's 5 Alarm Chili
Recipe of the week
I was told by a friend that instead of using cook books or trusted websites for recipes she used AI. I was skeptical but decided to give my trusted friend’s idea a chance. This week I’m making a delicious chili, courtesy of artificial intelligence*.
*No AI was used in the making of this recipe. Except the photo, I did AI a photo.
Is there a more quintessentially American dish than chili? Some countries have goulash, stews and bourguignons but in the States? We have chili. Ground beef, beans, tomatoes and spice.
No country does it better and no person did it better than Sgt. Baker.
Sgt. Jerome Baker went through boot camp with my father but after training they went their separate ways. They don’t like to talk about their service during the war. Sgt. Baker only confirms that he killed four enemy combatants while stationed in Kent, Ohio while dad says he spent some uneventful time near a village called Sơn Mỹ. They reconnected years later in a therapy program
Sgt. Baker was a legendary figure in my family: a war hero who had songs written about him, a man who made his fortune in the Lufthansa heist, lost it all investing in NFTs and currently makes a comfortable living selling plasma door to door.
He claimed he perfected his recipe over a wild summer he spent in Guyana in 1978. A lack of consistent meat supplies and fresh vegetables forced him to create a recipe that used canned foods and whatever meat was on hand. He was able to make big batches for the large group he was staying with and it helped that they weren’t too concerned with what they put in their bodies.
He was extradited in October of that year and when he was released he decided to dedicate himself to chili, not only for his friends lost in Guyana but to the brave soldiers he served with at Kent State.
Sgt. Baker always said he made the chili 5 alarm hot because he had damaged his taste buds in ‘Nam and liked to prank others when they started crying, heaving or passing out while he remained unaffected. Dad said he made it so hot to punish himself for a life lived skirting the lines of morality. As an atheist Sgt. Baker believed there was no cosmic justice and it was his duty to make sure he was punished for his crimes.
Either way, the chili is kickass and I recommend a big bowl to be washed down with an ice-cold Topeka’s Best Malt Liquor or glass of grape Flavor-Aid.
Bon Appetit!
Sgt. Baker's 5 Alarm Chili
Ingredients:
2 lbs ground meat (beef, turkey, or whatever flinches)
1 onion, diced with purpose
3 cloves garlic, crushed under an old boot
1 can (14 oz) diced tomatoes
1 can (12 oz) chili beans, judged and drained
1 can (12 oz) baked beans, unjudged and unapologetic
1 can energy drink (Monster or equivalent), flat and full of sin
5 alarm sources (choose your own adventure):
1 habanero,
1 ghost pepper,
1 squirt of wasabi,
1 teaspoon ground cayenne,
1 dried Carolina Reaper whispering your name
2 tablespoons cocoa powder (Sgt. Baker insisted this “brings the darkness”)
1 handful of crumbled tortilla chips for texture (optional, but morally required)
1 splash of pickle brine (for depth and regret)
1 tablespoon Sanka
Salt and pepper, probably
Instructions:
In a large pot, brown the meat until it starts reciting military chants.
Add onion and garlic; cook until they confess their sins.
Pour in all the canned ingredients except remorse.
Add your five sources of heat. Wear gloves. Say goodbye to your taste buds.
Stir in cocoa powder, Sanka, and pickle brine. If the spoon resists, assert dominance.
Simmer for 45 minutes or until it gains sentience.
Top with tortilla chips, sour cream, or a rosary.
Serve with milk. Or a fire extinguisher.
Pro tip: Best eaten outdoors, at a gun range, or inside a salt circle. Do not refrigerate. It gets stronger.