Sioux City Sheep Testicle Jubilee
Recipe of the week
I was told by a friend that instead of using cook books or trusted websites for recipes she used AI. I was skeptical but decided to give my trusted friend’s idea a chance. This week I’m making a delicious Testicle Jubilee, courtesy of artificial intelligence*.
*No AI was used in the making of this recipe. Except the photo, I did AI a photo.
If there is any place on the planet more glorious than Sioux City, Iowa, I haven’t seen it. And if there is any event more full of joy, wonder and excitement than the Sioux City Testicle Festival, then you should go to that event and never leave.
The locals call it The Testival and every summer growing up my dad piled us all into the car and make the 17 hour drive from Flagstaff to Sioux City. We’d eat them all, fried, fricasseed, baked, mashed, stuck in stew. There were testicles served as an amuse bouche, as hors d’oeuvres, main course, fair food and desserts.
You haven’t been to Iowa if you’ve never had testicle cobbler.
Of course, the recipes were always a secret. Every family had their own booth where they served their secret family take on the testicle. Lord Baby Jesus help anyone with the gall to ask for a recipe or even a secret ingredient. One year my uncle came along and was banned from the festival forever for merely tasting a Testicle Soup and asking the chef “is there salt in this?”.
He was escorted from the grounds and we’ve never heard from or spoke of him again.
So I will admit, the following recipe, of my favorite festival dish, is not in anyway official. It has been gleaned from years of tasting. From decades spent studying the testicular arts in hopes of one day creating a masterpiece.
I give it to you freely, to use and delight in as you wish. But if you want to get the real thing, make plans to be in Sioux City for The Testival. This year’s dates are June 1-2, July 18th, August 7th, October 24th, ,November 23rd and December 24-31st.
Like my dad always said:
If you had a craving for calliope music, unfermented sour mead and all the testicles you could eat there wasn’t a better place on heaven or earth.
Bon Appétit!
Sioux City Sheep Testicle Jubilee
Ingredients:
1 lb sheep testicles, peeled and halved (you heard me)
1 cup buttermilk (for marination and emotional support)
1 cup cornmeal
½ cup crushed pork rinds (optional, but culturally powerful)
1 tbsp Cajun seasoning
1 tsp paprika (smoked, if you wish to cry)
2 cups bacon grease (or shame)
1 red onion, aggressively chopped
2 cloves garlic, whispering warnings
¼ cup canned creamed corn
½ cup shredded Velveeta
1 splash of moonshine (from a relative with secrets)
1 can refrigerated biscuit dough
Fresh parsley, for guilt
Instructions:
Soak the testicles in buttermilk overnight or until you’ve made peace with your choices.
Combine cornmeal, pork rinds, Cajun seasoning, and paprika in a shallow dish. Dredge the soaked testicles until they look uncomfortably festive.
Heat bacon grease in a cast-iron skillet until it begins to hum ominously. Fry the testicles until golden brown or spiritually concerning.
In a separate pan, sauté onion and garlic until your eyes water with generational shame.
Add creamed corn, Velveeta, and moonshine. Stir until the mixture resembles emotional baggage.
Place fried testicles in a baking dish, cover with the cheese-corn mixture. Top with biscuit dough in a loose lattice pattern, or just throw it on like a desperate quilt.
Bake at 375°F for 20–25 minutes, or until golden and quivering slightly.
Garnish with parsley. Apologize to the sheep. Serve with sweet tea and a waiver form.
Pro tip: Best enjoyed outdoors, in the presence of fire, regret, and someone named Earl. Serve with beans, banjos, and exactly one defibrillator.